When I Grow Up I Want to Be...

My Journey into Emergency Medical Services

As a teenager, I had high hopes for myself, even amidst all the issues I was having. I was totally obsessed with Emergency Medical Services and wanted to become a paramedic. I remember the excitement I felt every time I saw an ambulance rush by with its lights flashing and sirens blaring—it was like a calling for me. At 18, I entered the County's EMT training school, which was a big step toward making my dreams come true. The program

was set up for two weekend days a week, and honestly, I was all in. Since it was mostly a 'hands-on' study, I thrived in that environment. I loved getting my hands dirty, learning how to handle real-life situations, and practicing skills that would one day help save lives. I poured my heart into the training, and to my surprise, I made it to the top of the class! My parents were over the moon, beaming with pride at my accomplishments, and I felt like I was on top of the world. It was such a rewarding experience, knowing that all my hard work was paying off and that I was one step closer to achieving my dream of being a paramedic.

The reason I thrived in this schooling was a clearly defined structure, along with a 'see it then do it' type of training. You know, it was like having a roadmap laid out in front of me, which made everything so much easier to navigate. Instead of just sitting through boring lectures, I got to watch demonstrations first and then jump right in and try it myself. It felt super hands-on and engaging! I could see exactly what was expected, and then I could practice it right away, which really helped me grasp the concepts better. Plus, there was something satisfying about being able to apply what I learned in real-time. It made the whole experience feel more like an adventure than just a classroom setting, and I think that’s why I was able to really excel and enjoy the process.

Facing the Reality of Being an EMT

Translating this education to a real world situation turned out to be far more difficult for me. In many ways, I was very immature and I had a romantic version of being an EMT that was far from reality. When I was placed in my first real-world job at an ambulance service that worked for the county, I was totally out of my league. I remember stepping into that ambulance for the first time, feeling a mix of excitement and sheer terror. I had this picture in my head of rushing to save lives, being the hero in a dramatic scene, but the truth hit me hard. It wasn’t all adrenaline and glory; it was long hours, stressful situations, and

sometimes dealing with people who were at their worst. I quickly realized that the textbook knowledge I had was only a small part of the job. It was all about thinking on your feet, staying calm under pressure, and having the emotional strength to handle some pretty heavy stuff. There were moments when I felt completely overwhelmed, questioning if I was cut out for this line of work. But through those challenges, I started to learn what it really meant to be an EMT, and it was a journey that changed me in ways I never expected.

Struggles with Quick Decision-Making

You know, thinking on my feet really became a bit of a stumbling block for me. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t have the knowledge or the skills to back me up; I just found myself freezing

up when I had to make decisions on the spot. It’s like my brain would hit a pause button, and all the information I had would just scatter like confetti in the wind. I’d be sitting there, feeling the pressure mount, and instead of confidently spitting out an answer, I’d end up overthinking every little detail. It was frustrating, to say the least! I could see the solution in my mind, but when it came time to actually say it out loud or act on it, I’d hesitate and second-guess myself. It’s a weird feeling, knowing that you’re capable but still struggling to just let it all flow when the moment calls for it.

Of course, this difficulty turned out to be one of the symptoms of having ACC, but I didn't know that at the time. I was just so deeply frustrated, you know? It felt like I was constantly battling my own brain just to stay present and available at work. I would sit in roll call, nodding along, but inside, I was struggling to keep up with the whole thing. It was like everyone else was on this fast train, zooming ahead, while I was stuck at the station, trying to figure out how to hop on. I wanted to contribute and be part of the team, but sometimes it felt like I was swimming upstream. I’d leave work feeling drained, wondering why it was so hard for me to just be in the moment like everyone else seemed to be. I got me first real

taste of neurodivergent burnout in my life.

So, unfortunately, I ended up leaving the job and leaving my dreams behind. By my parents urging I entered the Army as a 91 alpha (EMT) and the structure of Basic Training was awesome, just like doing EMS training I thrived under the intense structure. I did have burnouts, but then so did other people alongside me.

Then Came More Responsibility

Then came AIT, my Advanced Individual Training, and it felt like stepping into a whole new world. The structure was so relaxed compared to Basic, where everything had been rigid and controlled. Here, I was expected to make decisions on my own, and that was both exhilarating and terrifying. I was very young, just barely out in the world for the first time, and I found myself trying to navigate this newfound freedom. However, instead of thriving, I started to struggle with the pressures and expectations around me. In an attempt to cope with my feelings and the overwhelming sense of independence, I turned to drugs and drinking, thinking it would help me self-medicate my issues. It became a way to escape the confusion and anxiety that came with this transition, but I soon realized that it was leading me down a darker path than I had anticipated.

Reflecting on My Discharge

200 days into my Army experience, I found myself facing a medical discharge, and honestly, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember sitting there, feeling this overwhelming wave of shame wash over me—not just from my parents, but from deep within myself too. It was like I had this constant voice in my head just nagging at me, reminding me of what I perceived as my failures. I mean, I had this image of serving my country, wearing the uniform with pride, and here I was, unable to meet the mental demands. I could practically feel the disappointment radiating from my family, especially my dad, who had always dreamed of me following in his footsteps. It was hard not to spiral into that dark place of self-doubt, thinking about all the sacrifices I had made and how, in my mind, I was letting everyone down. Instead of feeling like a soldier, I felt like a ghost of what I could have been, and that was a tough pill to swallow.

My Wild Adventure Begins

So there I was, stranded in San Antonio, feeling totally lost and out of control. With just a few months of severance pay to my name, I found a tiny studio apartment for an unbelievable 100 bucks a month back in 1985—can you believe that? I spent the next six months in this whirlwind of chaos, living life on the edge with no family support to catch me if I fell. One day, completely on a whim, I made the spontaneous decision to hitchhike to California with nothing but a backpack slung over my shoulder. It sounds crazy now, but back then, it felt like a thrilling escape! I was lucky enough to meet some cool folks along the way who helped me out, and honestly, I can’t even picture myself doing something as crazy as that today. From that moment on, I dove headfirst into a life of couch hopping and living on the streets for about 20 years, but trust me, that’s a whole different story waiting to be told!